i’ve had so many fluids today, my pee looks like filtered water. i’ve peed like seventy times more than i’ve blinked. running today wasn’t a mistake even though the roads were ice. i’d rather just pay the 50 bucks and leave friday. i’m getting nothing done. but it’s also so much warmer here. i fear waking up in that cold room. waking up in the winter is so fucking miserable. i forgot i have a roll of film in my pentax under my bed. they’re all of ian. they’re probably frozen. i hope the cold temperature doesn’t affect film exposure. i’m starting to regret not taking a gap year, but then i remind myself that i’m closer to finishing than ever before. i’m excited to see what god has in store for me. i’m excited to grow as an artist. i don’t think i could ever be a social worker. go to bed.
i am only taking 15 credits, but that hasn’t stopped me from keeping myself busy. i am truly content with how life is no matter how stressed and funky things have been lately. for the first time since i’ve started college, it feels like i’m learning to breathe and work with my hands in a way that is so gratifying. i enjoy making for the sake of making. for the sake of keeping idle hands busy and providing commentary to things so beautiful that i don’t understand.
i think it’ll be nice to look back on this and see what i was doing at the golden age of 20.
Like a song you hear in another room and you think, "boy, that sounds beautiful but I can only hear a little bit." So you start opening doors and rearranging furniture because you have to get in that room and hear that song and when you get in, you find the knobs and you turn them all the way to the right because you think, "I have to hear more of that." And then you open the windows because you want the people in the next houses to hear.
Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes If I know only one thing, it’s that everything that I see Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak Yeah I’m tongue-tied and dizzy and I can’t keep it to myself What good is it to sing helplessness blues Why should I wait for anyone else?
i talked to a good friend about life. he made me consider why i had faith. and what would happen if i decided to abandon it altogether. but i’m still holding on to this piece of string no matter what and i hope he does too.